the one about identity

it's occurred to me throughout this process of moving out and coming back for breaks that i have a case of mistaken identity. not that i've been mistaken for someone else, but that i've defined myself and found myself in places which are temporary.

i find most of my identity in my friends.

in who i know and how i know them. how long i've known them. what i do for them, what they do for me. how deep our friendship goes. what they know about me.

and that's led to a lot of disorientation as i've moved back and forth between home and university.

my church friends aren't the same any more. i don't fit with them, even though i want to. when i walk up to their groups now i'm left out and not let into the circle--i don't belong. i don't think they mean it, but it hurts all the same. i don't fit into the college group at church either, because all those kids go to the local colleges and all know each other. i'm something different--too grown up, too young to fit.

one of my closest friends, who i've known for years--she's in a different place now, too. just different from me. there's no solidarity because it's so alien, we're so strange.

by defining myself through my friends, it's become very hard to remember who i am at home and at church. when i think about going there, i feel anxious now. my place of safety is gone. i feel alone. my heart beats fast and my body shakes, if you look closely.

i suppose some of it has to do with what you get used to. but finding myself in other people has never worked out for me.

--c.